Love him or hate him (most hate him), this controversial comic isn't up everyone's street. His jokes can be raw and shocking leaving the audience feeling a little ashamed for laughing so loud for so long. Personally I think he is just brilliant. Although he could potentially lose the hairstyle which looks borrowed from a 1940's German leader.

Enjoy this selection:

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

Labels: funny, humour, jimmy carr, joke, stand-up

 

The term National treasure is overused. But in the case of Mr Stephen Fry - it is perfectly true. He is an amazingly witty and intelligent man and I am always glad to see him on television, he represents a sadly fading British TV insitution of eccentric, larger than life, witty and above all clever presenters - sadly his kind are rapidly becoming an endangered species - overtaken by attractive (in a cloned kind of way), shouty, teenage dropouts. As an author his writings are insightful and forever witty, and all this undertaken with a challenging bi-polar disorder that, by his admission, contributes to his manic genius - but he gets through it all and keeps on smiling so here's to Stephen Fry - an all round good egg.


My Favourite Stephen Fry Quotes:

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.” - Stephen Fry
"Stephen Fry on being gay: "My first words, as I was being born... I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.'"” - Stephen Fry
"I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.” - Stephen Fry
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive” - Stephen Fry
"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue” - Stephen Fry
"Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good” - Stephen Fry
"I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.” - Stephen Fry
"If I had a large amount of money I should found a hospital for those whose grip upon the world is so tenuous that they can be severely offended by words and phrases yet remain all unoffended by the injustice, violence and oppression that howls daily” - Stephen Fry
"When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.” - Stephen Fry
"Estate agents. You can't live with them, you can't live with them. The first sign of these nasty purulent sores appeared round about 1894. With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair. If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.” - Stephen Fry
"I think animal testing is cruel. They get nervous and get all the answers wrong.” - Stephen Fry
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” - Stephen Fry
"Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.” - Stephen Fry
"I played in the chapel on Sundays, then moved on to polishing corridors.” - Stephen Fry
"I could rent a room, paint it black, bolt on a few chains and call it my punishment room, Then have men in posing pouches in the background” - Stephen Fry
"His skills as a comic actor were unrivalled - no-one came or comes close,” - Stephen Fry
"I was lucky enough to meet him a few times and to work with him once. I felt as if I had been allowed to try on the Crown Jewels. He was a great, remarkable man.” - Stephen Fry
"You don't need a Harvard MBA to know that the bedroom and the boardroom are just two sides of the same ballgame.” - Stephen Fry
"I don't think the bitterest enemy of the Perrier Award could deny that it has spotted some real talent.” - Stephen Fry
"And I said, 'Ah, that's how we got [permission]. 'Daddy, daddy, can you please let them have permission to film'. No, I'm sure there was nothing like that.” - Stephen Fry
"The first time I heard the extraordinary story of Ramanujan, I tucked it away in my mind.” - Stephen Fry


My Favourite Quotes from QI
... a show hosted by Stephen Fry which subtly attempts to slowly irradicate ignorance from the populous :)

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.

Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.

Stephen Fry: What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?
Jo Brand: They have a pulse.

[During a discussion on the future of Aviation, Stephen remarks that the flight crew of the future will consist of one pilot and a dog]
Stephen Fry: The job of the pilot will be to feed the dog. The job of the dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

[advice on airline food]
Stephen Fry: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.

Stephen Fry: [quoting boxer Alan Minter] Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none have been serious.

Stephen Fry: [quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.

Stephen Fry: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?

[the contestants are discussing elephants]
Alan Davies: Do they take it down the trunk?
Clive Anderson: After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.

Clive Anderson: I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.

Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Stephen Fry: If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies: Scandal.

Rich Hall: [after being informed that Earth has a second moon called "Cruithne"] So why is there not one romantic song with the word Cruithne in it? "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky"? Or "Cruithne River"? Or...
Alan Davies: No-one can see it, it's miles away.
Stephen Fry: Because it was discovered in
[shouts]
Stephen Fry: nineteen-ninety-fucking-four!
Sean Lock: No! That can't be right. Because the song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend".

Stephen Fry: Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.

Stephen Fry: Have you met any American Jeremy?
Jeremy Clarkson: No, It's too complicated - three syllables.

Jeremy Clarkson: [Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.
Stephen Fry: You heard it here first, folks.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was like a motorway services station toilet.
Alan Davies: That must have been a Welcome Break.

Stephen Fry: What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich Hall: The Pentagon.

Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

Stephen Fry: This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.

Sean Lock: This is like the Early Learning Centre.

[Stephen admits to asking a trick question about the birth of a historical figure]
Stephen Fry: There was nothing unusual about the birth.
[pointing to Alan]
Stephen Fry: We just wanted Laughing Boy to fall into our cunning trap.

Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry: What have I got?
Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry: No, a very excited moth.

Rich Hall: Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.
Stephen Fry: There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.

Stephen Fry: Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
Alan Davies: I feel a trap coming on.

Rich Hall: You can develop film in the Lee river, but you can't Kayak in it.

Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson.

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.

Alan Davies: I am *not* as stupid as you think!
Stephen Fry: No, you're not, you couldn't be.

Stephen Fry: What's long and pink and hard in the morning?
[pause]
Stephen Fry: "The Financial Times'" crossword.

Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry: Fair point.
Phill Jupitus: "What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."
Stephen Fry: Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus: That's you.
Stephen Fry: Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.

Stephen Fry: [after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: "Hullo, what's that?" ... Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.

Stephen Fry: [regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?
Sean Lock: War criminals.

Sean Lock: The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
Stephen Fry: Do you know why that is?
Sean Lock: Because they're shit.

[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]
Rich Hall: I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".

Alan Davies: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
[pause]
Alan Davies: The parrots-eat-em-all!

Stephen Fry: What do we know about the Magi?
Phill Jupitus: They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.

Alan Davies: [about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sean Lock: You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?

Bill Bailey: [who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!

Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!

Stephen Fry: A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?
Rich Hall: You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.
Alan Davies: Should all else fail.

Stephen Fry: Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?
Jo Brand: I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.
Alan Davies: I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.

Labels: funny, humour, joke, stand-up, Stephen Fry, Steven Fry

 

My hero - Bill Bailey - absolutely pant-wettingly funny english man. An original comedian who combines sometimes surreal but always funny jokes with musical interludes and comments on life. Just the best comedian from out of the UK today. Seriously now - these quotes don't do him justice. I strongly suggest you buy a DVD today.

Jokes:

"There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box."

"I'm a postmodern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically."

"Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could have been four or five. Could have been nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) anyone five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot."

"I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small decorative concrete pig."

"A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that."

"Which leads me very nicely to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century?"

"Im Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me."

"I am Zebedee, Lord of the woods!"

"I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk The Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said was 'Dad, you're right, but let's give Krull a try.'"

"It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. It's a cautionary tale: in large doses, it can cause genocide."

"Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it."

"This shed does not contain me."

"Il voyage dans le Tardis, le boite de telephone. Fantastique! L'interior est plus grande que l'exterior/ Avec les Daleks, le Docteur est superior." (From Dr Qui?)

"Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish."

"But our country's equivilant of gritty reality is more like 'Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!'"

"Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative."

"Who photographs kebabs?"

"Speaking of white supremacist types, I was in America resently."

"The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said "I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!"

"God save our gracious queen: Why would we invoke a ‘non-specific’ deity to bale out these unelected spongers?"

"It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still."

"I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise."

"Bill Bailey would like the eggs of numbing inevitability"


My Favourite Bill Bailey Song:


Texted You (Part Troll)
I texted you on a Monday
But you did not get my text till the Tuesday
Because of a network problem.

I texted you on a Wednesday
But did not know you had called
Because your sim card was not corectly installed. (no no no)

You texted me on a Thursday
To say that you would meet me at the shopping center
And I texted you back and it said "Where shall I meet you?"
And you said "Dixons" But I did not know which Dixons you meant.
Was it the one inside the door? Or the one thurther up bu Currys?
These are my worries.

You tetxed me on a monday
To say that it was over.
But I did not understand
Because you used predictive text
And it was "Dru dr se ze gru..."


Bill Bailey Video Streams

Bill commenting on the ever funky BBC news theme music:



Bill on being British:



Bill on food & drugs:



Bill and the song of evil:

Labels: Bill Bailey, funny, humour, joke, stand-up