Editor's Note: I personally think that Eddie Izzard is one of Britains last true eccentric geniuses. He has even cracked the US and starred in a number of big films. Fantastically funny executive transvestite. On with the quotes, these are just a few. Buy the standup DVDs you will NOT regret it.
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.
Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here' You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!'
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here...Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.
You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Barundi says do you want a cup of coffee...
Most transvestites fancy girls.
When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy.
What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.
Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire...so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering f**khead!
Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won’t stand for that, will we?
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.
And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.
We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard!"
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitter!"
(Re: The European Union)
It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a f**king squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F**king nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."
Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are f**kers!! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!
The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
Peter was the one who said "I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him." cock-a-doodle-doo "Oh, HIM!"
We have toasters in this country...and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!
What exactly is an evil giraffe?
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!
(Depicting the end of the Trojan War)
Goodbye! We give up! You win. We've left you a huge f**k off horse...as per usual.
I like my coffee like I like my women...in a plastic cup.
I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight one from here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today, is a flask of coffee.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.
(re: British actors playing all the bad guys on the Death Star)
(1)What is it Lt. Sebastian? (2)It’s the Rebels, sir. They’re here. (1)My God, man. Do they want tea? (2)No, I think there after something more than that, sir. I don’t know what it is, but they’ve brought a flag.
Cause you think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with f**kin’ castles. We just long for a bungalow or something.
Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.My Favourite Eddie Izzard Video Clips:
I love this one, the fact someone has done the joke to stop motion animated Lego is just fantastic:
Labels: Eddie Izzard, funny, humour, joke, stand-up