When you buy a V-neck sweater there's a V of material missing. You know what they do with that? They send it to Ann Summers and she makes those fancy pants.

My aunt used to say, 'What you can't see, can't hurt you'...well, she died of radiation poisining a few months back!

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

Apparently, you can tell a lot about someone's personality from what they're like

The thing about heroin is... it's very morish, apparently

Apparently, there's enough poison in a crab, to kill a crab

A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he'd do for some chips

'My main beef with him is that he is historically inaccurate.' - Harry Hill, trying to consign Barney the Dinosaur to Room 101

Ah Mr Lemon, why your juices so sharp?

Well, I've had a terrible week. I've had that, erm, Anthrax, have you had that? Diarrhoea, blood in the urine, the liver was disintegrating... and i found the only thing that really helped... was Lemsip. Just took the edge off.

Labels: funny, Harry Hill, humour, joke, stand-up