His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Labels: funny, humour, joke, stand-up, Woody Allen