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  Bill Bailey
My hero - Bill Bailey - absolutely pant-wettingly funny english man. An original comedian who combines sometimes surreal but always funny jokes with musical interludes and comments on life. Just the best comedian from out of the UK today. Seriously now - these quotes don't do him justice. I strongly suggest you buy a DVD today.


"There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box."

"I'm a postmodern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically."

"Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could have been four or five. Could have been nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) anyone five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot."

"I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small decorative concrete pig."

"A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that."

"Which leads me very nicely to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century?"

"Im Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me."

"I am Zebedee, Lord of the woods!"

"I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk The Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said was 'Dad, you're right, but let's give Krull a try.'"

"It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. It's a cautionary tale: in large doses, it can cause genocide."

"Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it."

"This shed does not contain me."

"Il voyage dans le Tardis, le boite de telephone. Fantastique! L'interior est plus grande que l'exterior/ Avec les Daleks, le Docteur est superior." (From Dr Qui?)

"Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish."

"But our country's equivilant of gritty reality is more like 'Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!'"

"Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative."

"Who photographs kebabs?"

"Speaking of white supremacist types, I was in America resently."

"The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said "I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!"

"God save our gracious queen: Why would we invoke a ‘non-specific’ deity to bale out these unelected spongers?"

"It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still."

"I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise."

"Bill Bailey would like the eggs of numbing inevitability"

My Favourite Bill Bailey Song:

Texted You (Part Troll)
I texted you on a Monday
But you did not get my text till the Tuesday
Because of a network problem.

I texted you on a Wednesday
But did not know you had called
Because your sim card was not corectly installed. (no no no)

You texted me on a Thursday
To say that you would meet me at the shopping center
And I texted you back and it said "Where shall I meet you?"
And you said "Dixons" But I did not know which Dixons you meant.
Was it the one inside the door? Or the one thurther up bu Currys?
These are my worries.

You tetxed me on a monday
To say that it was over.
But I did not understand
Because you used predictive text
And it was "Dru dr se ze gru..."

Bill Bailey Video Streams

Bill commenting on the ever funky BBC news theme music:

Bill on food & drugs:

Bill and the song of evil:

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