Comic Quote Blog

  Stephen Fry
The term National treasure is overused. But in the case of Mr Stephen Fry - it is perfectly true. He is an amazingly witty and intelligent man and I am always glad to see him on television, he represents a sadly fading British TV insitution of eccentric, larger than life, witty and above all clever presenters - sadly his kind are rapidly becoming an endangered species - overtaken by attractive (in a cloned kind of way), shouty, teenage dropouts. As an author his writings are insightful and forever witty, and all this undertaken with a challenging bi-polar disorder that, by his admission, contributes to his manic genius - but he gets through it all and keeps on smiling so here's to Stephen Fry - an all round good egg.


My Favourite Stephen Fry Quotes:

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.” - Stephen Fry
"Stephen Fry on being gay: "My first words, as I was being born... I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.'"” - Stephen Fry
"I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.” - Stephen Fry
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive” - Stephen Fry
"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue” - Stephen Fry
"Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good” - Stephen Fry
"I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.” - Stephen Fry
"If I had a large amount of money I should found a hospital for those whose grip upon the world is so tenuous that they can be severely offended by words and phrases yet remain all unoffended by the injustice, violence and oppression that howls daily” - Stephen Fry
"When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.” - Stephen Fry
"Estate agents. You can't live with them, you can't live with them. The first sign of these nasty purulent sores appeared round about 1894. With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair. If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.” - Stephen Fry
"I think animal testing is cruel. They get nervous and get all the answers wrong.” - Stephen Fry
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” - Stephen Fry
"Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.” - Stephen Fry
"I played in the chapel on Sundays, then moved on to polishing corridors.” - Stephen Fry
"I could rent a room, paint it black, bolt on a few chains and call it my punishment room, Then have men in posing pouches in the background” - Stephen Fry
"His skills as a comic actor were unrivalled - no-one came or comes close,” - Stephen Fry
"I was lucky enough to meet him a few times and to work with him once. I felt as if I had been allowed to try on the Crown Jewels. He was a great, remarkable man.” - Stephen Fry
"You don't need a Harvard MBA to know that the bedroom and the boardroom are just two sides of the same ballgame.” - Stephen Fry
"I don't think the bitterest enemy of the Perrier Award could deny that it has spotted some real talent.” - Stephen Fry
"And I said, 'Ah, that's how we got [permission]. 'Daddy, daddy, can you please let them have permission to film'. No, I'm sure there was nothing like that.” - Stephen Fry
"The first time I heard the extraordinary story of Ramanujan, I tucked it away in my mind.” - Stephen Fry


My Favourite Quotes from QI
... a show hosted by Stephen Fry which subtly attempts to slowly irradicate ignorance from the populous :)

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.

Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.

Stephen Fry: What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?
Jo Brand: They have a pulse.

[During a discussion on the future of Aviation, Stephen remarks that the flight crew of the future will consist of one pilot and a dog]
Stephen Fry: The job of the pilot will be to feed the dog. The job of the dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

[advice on airline food]
Stephen Fry: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.

Stephen Fry: [quoting boxer Alan Minter] Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none have been serious.

Stephen Fry: [quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.

Stephen Fry: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?

[the contestants are discussing elephants]
Alan Davies: Do they take it down the trunk?
Clive Anderson: After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.

Clive Anderson: I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.

Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Stephen Fry: If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies: Scandal.

Rich Hall: [after being informed that Earth has a second moon called "Cruithne"] So why is there not one romantic song with the word Cruithne in it? "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky"? Or "Cruithne River"? Or...
Alan Davies: No-one can see it, it's miles away.
Stephen Fry: Because it was discovered in
[shouts]
Stephen Fry: nineteen-ninety-fucking-four!
Sean Lock: No! That can't be right. Because the song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend".

Stephen Fry: Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.

Stephen Fry: Have you met any American Jeremy?
Jeremy Clarkson: No, It's too complicated - three syllables.

Jeremy Clarkson: [Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.
Stephen Fry: You heard it here first, folks.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was like a motorway services station toilet.
Alan Davies: That must have been a Welcome Break.

Stephen Fry: What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich Hall: The Pentagon.

Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

Stephen Fry: This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.

Sean Lock: This is like the Early Learning Centre.

[Stephen admits to asking a trick question about the birth of a historical figure]
Stephen Fry: There was nothing unusual about the birth.
[pointing to Alan]
Stephen Fry: We just wanted Laughing Boy to fall into our cunning trap.

Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry: What have I got?
Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry: No, a very excited moth.

Rich Hall: Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.
Stephen Fry: There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.

Stephen Fry: Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
Alan Davies: I feel a trap coming on.

Rich Hall: You can develop film in the Lee river, but you can't Kayak in it.

Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson.

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.

Alan Davies: I am *not* as stupid as you think!
Stephen Fry: No, you're not, you couldn't be.

Stephen Fry: What's long and pink and hard in the morning?
[pause]
Stephen Fry: "The Financial Times'" crossword.

Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry: Fair point.
Phill Jupitus: "What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."
Stephen Fry: Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus: That's you.
Stephen Fry: Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.

Stephen Fry: [after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: "Hullo, what's that?" ... Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.

Stephen Fry: [regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?
Sean Lock: War criminals.

Sean Lock: The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
Stephen Fry: Do you know why that is?
Sean Lock: Because they're shit.

[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]
Rich Hall: I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".

Alan Davies: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
[pause]
Alan Davies: The parrots-eat-em-all!

Stephen Fry: What do we know about the Magi?
Phill Jupitus: They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.

Alan Davies: [about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sean Lock: You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?

Bill Bailey: [who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!

Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!

Stephen Fry: A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?
Rich Hall: You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.
Alan Davies: Should all else fail.

Stephen Fry: Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?
Jo Brand: I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.
Alan Davies: I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.

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