Editor's Note: Watch this guy - with the right management he could be bigger than Izzard or Coogan. Brilliantly funny quick fire comedy that just makes you ache. Current holder of the world record for most jokes told in an hour - 499!!! Read and enjoy and visit Tim Vines website.
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...... ... one jar.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
Editor's Note: I personally think that Eddie Izzard is one of Britains last true eccentric geniuses. He has even cracked the US and starred in a number of big films. Fantastically funny executive transvestite. On with the quotes, these are just a few. Buy the standup DVDs you will NOT regret it.
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.
Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here' You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!'
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here...Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.
You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Barundi says do you want a cup of coffee...
Most transvestites fancy girls.
When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy.
What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.
Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire...so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering f**khead!
Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won’t stand for that, will we?
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.
And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.
We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard!"
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitter!"
(Re: The European Union) It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a f**king squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F**king nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."
Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are f**kers!! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!
The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.
My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!
Peter was the one who said "I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him." cock-a-doodle-doo "Oh, HIM!"
We have toasters in this country...and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!
What exactly is an evil giraffe?
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!
(Depicting the end of the Trojan War) Goodbye! We give up! You win. We've left you a huge f**k off horse...as per usual.
I like my coffee like I like my women...in a plastic cup.
I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight one from here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today, is a flask of coffee.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.
(re: British actors playing all the bad guys on the Death Star) (1)What is it Lt. Sebastian? (2)It’s the Rebels, sir. They’re here. (1)My God, man. Do they want tea? (2)No, I think there after something more than that, sir. I don’t know what it is, but they’ve brought a flag.
Cause you think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with f**kin’ castles. We just long for a bungalow or something.
Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.
My Favourite Eddie Izzard Video Clips:
I love this one, the fact someone has done the joke to stop motion animated Lego is just fantastic:
Editor's Note: Spike Milligan (1919 - 2002) is a British comic genius. Principal-creator of the memorable "Goon Show", fantastic musician and author of many excellent books, many of which recounting his days as a solidier during WWII on campaigns in north Africa & Italy. Plagued with mental disorders, he unfortunately suffered from at least 10 breakdowns during his life. Widely accepted as the Godfather of British comedy the Prince of Wales was a noted fan, and Milligan caused a stink by calling him a "grovelling little bastard" on television in 1994 - you have to love him for that :) Sadly missed. On with the (by no means complete) list of my favourite quotations:
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighboursaid 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
When you buy a V-neck sweater there's a V of material missing. You know what they do with that? They send it to Ann Summers and she makes those fancy pants.
My aunt used to say, 'What you can't see, can't hurt you'...well, she died of radiation poisining a few months back!
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
Apparently, you can tell a lot about someone's personality from what they're like
The thing about heroin is... it's very morish, apparently
Apparently, there's enough poison in a crab, to kill a crab
A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he'd do for some chips
'My main beef with him is that he is historically inaccurate.' - Harry Hill, trying to consign Barney the Dinosaur to Room 101
Ah Mr Lemon, why your juices so sharp?
Well, I've had a terrible week. I've had that, erm, Anthrax, have you had that? Diarrhoea, blood in the urine, the liver was disintegrating... and i found the only thing that really helped... was Lemsip. Just took the edge off.
King Arthur: I am your king. Woman: Well I didn't vote for you. King Arthur: You don't vote for kings. Woman: Well how'd you become king then? [Angelic music plays... ] King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king. Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
This blog will contain my favourite collection of humourous and witty quotations from around the world and throughout history. I will accurately quote and honour the individual in question. Any comments or feedback is appreciated as always. Enjoy.