Love him or hate him (most hate him), this controversial comic isn't up everyone's street. His jokes can be raw and shocking leaving the audience feeling a little ashamed for laughing so loud for so long. Personally I think he is just brilliant. Although he could potentially lose the hairstyle which looks borrowed from a 1940's German leader.

Enjoy this selection:

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

Did you know you can leave messages for any car driver on the road? This one isn't a joke!

This is Jimmy telling the world's funniest Joke (and the UK's funniest joke which is much funnier in my opinion).

Labels: funny, humour, jimmy carr, joke, stand-up

 

The term National treasure is overused. But in the case of Mr Stephen Fry - it is perfectly true. He is an amazingly witty and intelligent man and I am always glad to see him on television, he represents a sadly fading British TV insitution of eccentric, larger than life, witty and above all clever presenters - sadly his kind are rapidly becoming an endangered species - overtaken by attractive (in a cloned kind of way), shouty, teenage dropouts. As an author his writings are insightful and forever witty, and all this undertaken with a challenging bi-polar disorder that, by his admission, contributes to his manic genius - but he gets through it all and keeps on smiling so here's to Stephen Fry - an all round good egg.


My Favourite Stephen Fry Quotes:

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.” - Stephen Fry
"Stephen Fry on being gay: "My first words, as I was being born... I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.'"” - Stephen Fry
"I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.” - Stephen Fry
"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive” - Stephen Fry
"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue” - Stephen Fry
"Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good” - Stephen Fry
"I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.” - Stephen Fry
"If I had a large amount of money I should found a hospital for those whose grip upon the world is so tenuous that they can be severely offended by words and phrases yet remain all unoffended by the injustice, violence and oppression that howls daily” - Stephen Fry
"When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.” - Stephen Fry
"Estate agents. You can't live with them, you can't live with them. The first sign of these nasty purulent sores appeared round about 1894. With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair. If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.” - Stephen Fry
"I think animal testing is cruel. They get nervous and get all the answers wrong.” - Stephen Fry
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” - Stephen Fry
"Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.” - Stephen Fry
"I played in the chapel on Sundays, then moved on to polishing corridors.” - Stephen Fry
"I could rent a room, paint it black, bolt on a few chains and call it my punishment room, Then have men in posing pouches in the background” - Stephen Fry
"His skills as a comic actor were unrivalled - no-one came or comes close,” - Stephen Fry
"I was lucky enough to meet him a few times and to work with him once. I felt as if I had been allowed to try on the Crown Jewels. He was a great, remarkable man.” - Stephen Fry
"You don't need a Harvard MBA to know that the bedroom and the boardroom are just two sides of the same ballgame.” - Stephen Fry
"I don't think the bitterest enemy of the Perrier Award could deny that it has spotted some real talent.” - Stephen Fry
"And I said, 'Ah, that's how we got [permission]. 'Daddy, daddy, can you please let them have permission to film'. No, I'm sure there was nothing like that.” - Stephen Fry
"The first time I heard the extraordinary story of Ramanujan, I tucked it away in my mind.” - Stephen Fry


My Favourite Quotes from QI
... a show hosted by Stephen Fry which subtly attempts to slowly irradicate ignorance from the populous :)

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.

Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.

Stephen Fry: What is attractive about the Costa Rican Army?
Jo Brand: They have a pulse.

[During a discussion on the future of Aviation, Stephen remarks that the flight crew of the future will consist of one pilot and a dog]
Stephen Fry: The job of the pilot will be to feed the dog. The job of the dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

[advice on airline food]
Stephen Fry: Anything white is sweet, anything brown is meat, anything grey, don't eat.

Stephen Fry: [quoting boxer Alan Minter] Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none have been serious.

Stephen Fry: [quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.

Stephen Fry: If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?

[the contestants are discussing elephants]
Alan Davies: Do they take it down the trunk?
Clive Anderson: After a few drinks, they'll take it anywhere.

Clive Anderson: I'm fascinated that hair grows after death, I'm looking forward to that.

Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: [looking off-stage] Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.

Stephen Fry: If a Lion mates with a Tiger, you get a...?
Alan Davies: Scandal.

Rich Hall: [after being informed that Earth has a second moon called "Cruithne"] So why is there not one romantic song with the word Cruithne in it? "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky"? Or "Cruithne River"? Or...
Alan Davies: No-one can see it, it's miles away.
Stephen Fry: Because it was discovered in
[shouts]
Stephen Fry: nineteen-ninety-fucking-four!
Sean Lock: No! That can't be right. Because the song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone." Not "with a small friend".

Stephen Fry: Welcome to the show that refreshes the parts other shows doesn't even have names for.

Stephen Fry: Have you met any American Jeremy?
Jeremy Clarkson: No, It's too complicated - three syllables.

Jeremy Clarkson: [Recounting a trip to Amsterdam] I walked into a brothel on Saturday.
Stephen Fry: You heard it here first, folks.
Jeremy Clarkson: It was like a motorway services station toilet.
Alan Davies: That must have been a Welcome Break.

Stephen Fry: What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
Rich Hall: The Pentagon.

Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

Stephen Fry: This is turning into the most appaling Primary School nonsense.

Sean Lock: This is like the Early Learning Centre.

[Stephen admits to asking a trick question about the birth of a historical figure]
Stephen Fry: There was nothing unusual about the birth.
[pointing to Alan]
Stephen Fry: We just wanted Laughing Boy to fall into our cunning trap.

Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I had a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
[bringing out his right fist]
Stephen Fry: What have I got?
Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
Stephen Fry: No, a very excited moth.

Rich Hall: Doctors use acronyms, such as GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room, or SARA - Sexual Activity Related Accident.
Stephen Fry: There is one that doctors use in my part of the world which is NFN - Normal for Norfolk.

Stephen Fry: Why is a Marathon 26 miles, 385 yards long?
Alan Davies: I feel a trap coming on.

Rich Hall: You can develop film in the Lee river, but you can't Kayak in it.

Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson.

Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the show that rhymes with Stephen Fry.

Alan Davies: I am *not* as stupid as you think!
Stephen Fry: No, you're not, you couldn't be.

Stephen Fry: What's long and pink and hard in the morning?
[pause]
Stephen Fry: "The Financial Times'" crossword.

Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry: Fair point.
Phill Jupitus: "What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah."
Stephen Fry: Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus: That's you.
Stephen Fry: Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.

Stephen Fry: [after stating the Thomas Eddison invented the word Hello] The word that existed before as "hullo" h-u-l-l-o, which never meant a greeting, it just meant an expression of surprise - "Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" We still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: "Hullo, what's that?" ... Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter beast.

Stephen Fry: [regarding a village in the mountains of Nuremberg, Germany] Now what did this village provide the whole world with for more than a hundred consecutive Christmases?
Sean Lock: War criminals.

Sean Lock: The American cat's eyes break every time you go over them.
Stephen Fry: Do you know why that is?
Sean Lock: Because they're shit.

[answering the question, "What does fear smell like?"]
Rich Hall: I think fear smells of crab salad. I went to this deli the other day and said "Can I have a crab salad sandwich?", and the woman behind the counter said "We're out of crab salad, I'm afraid".

Alan Davies: Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
[pause]
Alan Davies: The parrots-eat-em-all!

Stephen Fry: What do we know about the Magi?
Phill Jupitus: They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.

Alan Davies: [about tortoises] My nephew's got one, and it attacks you. It actually runs and throws itself at your feet.
Sean Lock: You sure that's not a rabbit in a helmet?

Bill Bailey: [who collected butterflies as a kid] The irony was that moths got into the collection and ate them all!

Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!

Stephen Fry: A question for Rich. How would you French-kiss a woodpecker?
Rich Hall: You would have to seduce it. You would have to get it interested in you. Put a toothpick in your mouth. Say nice things to it. "That's nice plumage." Then give it a date rape drug.
Alan Davies: Should all else fail.

Stephen Fry: Can anyone tell me what the national bird of England is?
Jo Brand: I can tell you what it is for women: Thrush.
Alan Davies: I can tell you what it is for men: Cock.

Labels: funny, humour, joke, stand-up, Stephen Fry, Steven Fry

 

My hero - Bill Bailey - absolutely pant-wettingly funny english man. An original comedian who combines sometimes surreal but always funny jokes with musical interludes and comments on life. Just the best comedian from out of the UK today. Seriously now - these quotes don't do him justice. I strongly suggest you buy a DVD today.

Jokes:

"There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box."

"I'm a postmodern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically."

"Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could have been four or five. Could have been nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) anyone five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot."

"I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small decorative concrete pig."

"A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that."

"Which leads me very nicely to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century?"

"Im Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me."

"I am Zebedee, Lord of the woods!"

"I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk The Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said was 'Dad, you're right, but let's give Krull a try.'"

"It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. It's a cautionary tale: in large doses, it can cause genocide."

"Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it."

"This shed does not contain me."

"Il voyage dans le Tardis, le boite de telephone. Fantastique! L'interior est plus grande que l'exterior/ Avec les Daleks, le Docteur est superior." (From Dr Qui?)

"Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish."

"But our country's equivilant of gritty reality is more like 'Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!'"

"Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative."

"Who photographs kebabs?"

"Speaking of white supremacist types, I was in America resently."

"The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said "I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!"

"God save our gracious queen: Why would we invoke a ‘non-specific’ deity to bale out these unelected spongers?"

"It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still."

"I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise."

"Bill Bailey would like the eggs of numbing inevitability"


My Favourite Bill Bailey Song:


Texted You (Part Troll)
I texted you on a Monday
But you did not get my text till the Tuesday
Because of a network problem.

I texted you on a Wednesday
But did not know you had called
Because your sim card was not corectly installed. (no no no)

You texted me on a Thursday
To say that you would meet me at the shopping center
And I texted you back and it said "Where shall I meet you?"
And you said "Dixons" But I did not know which Dixons you meant.
Was it the one inside the door? Or the one thurther up bu Currys?
These are my worries.

You tetxed me on a monday
To say that it was over.
But I did not understand
Because you used predictive text
And it was "Dru dr se ze gru..."


Bill Bailey Video Streams

Bill commenting on the ever funky BBC news theme music:



Bill on food & drugs:



Bill and the song of evil:

Labels: Bill Bailey, funny, humour, joke, stand-up

 

Editor's Note: Watch this guy - with the right management he could be bigger than Izzard or Coogan. Brilliantly funny quick fire comedy that just makes you ache. Current holder of the world record for most jokes told in an hour - 499!!! Read and enjoy and visit Tim Vines website.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...... ... one jar.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.


Some Clips of Tim in action:

Labels: funny, humour, joke, stand-up, Tim Vine

 

Editor's Note: I personally think that Eddie Izzard is one of Britains last true eccentric geniuses. He has even cracked the US and starred in a number of big films. Fantastically funny executive transvestite. On with the quotes, these are just a few. Buy the standup DVDs you will NOT regret it.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."

You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here' You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!'

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here...Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.

You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Barundi says do you want a cup of coffee...

Most transvestites fancy girls.

When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy.

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire...so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering f**khead!

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won’t stand for that, will we?

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.

And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"

There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?

You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.

We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard!"

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"

Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitter!"

(Re: The European Union)
It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!

Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a f**king squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F**king nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."

Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are f**kers!! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!

The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.

My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!

Peter was the one who said "I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him." cock-a-doodle-doo "Oh, HIM!"

We have toasters in this country...and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!

What exactly is an evil giraffe?

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

(Depicting the end of the Trojan War)
Goodbye! We give up! You win. We've left you a huge f**k off horse...as per usual.

I like my coffee like I like my women...in a plastic cup.

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight one from here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today, is a flask of coffee.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.

(re: British actors playing all the bad guys on the Death Star)
(1)What is it Lt. Sebastian? (2)It’s the Rebels, sir. They’re here. (1)My God, man. Do they want tea? (2)No, I think there after something more than that, sir. I don’t know what it is, but they’ve brought a flag.

Cause you think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with f**kin’ castles. We just long for a bungalow or something.

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.


My Favourite Eddie Izzard Video Clips:



I love this one, the fact someone has done the joke to stop motion animated Lego is just fantastic:

Labels: Eddie Izzard, funny, humour, joke, stand-up

 

Editor's Note: Spike Milligan (1919 - 2002) is a British comic genius. Principal-creator of the memorable "Goon Show", fantastic musician and author of many excellent books, many of which recounting his days as a solidier during WWII on campaigns in north Africa & Italy. Plagued with mental disorders, he unfortunately suffered from at least 10 breakdowns during his life. Widely accepted as the Godfather of British comedy the Prince of Wales was a noted fan, and Milligan caused a stink by calling him a "grovelling little bastard" on television in 1994 - you have to love him for that :) Sadly missed. On with the (by no means complete) list of my favourite quotations:

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

Labels: funny, humour, joke, Spike Milligan, stand-up

 

Best Quotes...

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighboursaid 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Peter Kay and Parky



Peter Kay on Family Weddings

Labels: funny, humour, joke, Peter Kay, stand-up

 

When you buy a V-neck sweater there's a V of material missing. You know what they do with that? They send it to Ann Summers and she makes those fancy pants.

My aunt used to say, 'What you can't see, can't hurt you'...well, she died of radiation poisining a few months back!

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.

Apparently, you can tell a lot about someone's personality from what they're like

The thing about heroin is... it's very morish, apparently

Apparently, there's enough poison in a crab, to kill a crab

A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he'd do for some chips

'My main beef with him is that he is historically inaccurate.' - Harry Hill, trying to consign Barney the Dinosaur to Room 101

Ah Mr Lemon, why your juices so sharp?

Well, I've had a terrible week. I've had that, erm, Anthrax, have you had that? Diarrhoea, blood in the urine, the liver was disintegrating... and i found the only thing that really helped... was Lemsip. Just took the edge off.

Labels: funny, Harry Hill, humour, joke, stand-up

 

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Labels: funny, humour, joke, stand-up, Woody Allen

 

King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Labels: funny, humour, joke, monty python, movie